1 post tagged “policy”

Ok, because people know I'm a sucker for these, they keep sending them.  However, I only pass along the good ones and I memorialize the classic ones like the following...

 NEW OFFICE POLICIES

Dress Code:

*       You are advised to come to work dressed according to your
salary.  If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.
*       If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need
a raise.
*       If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

*       We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to
work.

Personal Days:

*       Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are
called Saturdays Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

*       This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers.  Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements.  In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through
your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

*       Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.  There is
now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
*       After your second offense, your picture will be posted oil the
company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category.  Anyone
caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's
mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

*       Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch; as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy.
*       Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
rneal to maintain their average figure.
*       Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim-fast.

**Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints; frustrations, irritations; aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.