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I stay away from the "holiday shopping" mania until AFTER Thanksgiving.  I don't like the fact that the greedy retailers bombard us yearly with early holiday shopping.  I saw Christmas decorations in September and nearly walked out of the store in protest.  Especially in these times when people are scraping by just to get their families fed, it really irks and offends me to see so many frivilous ads around jewelry and cars. 

I will do my Christmas shopping sometime the week after Thanksgiving.  I don't believe in "Black Friday" sales only because all the hype and hassle of the mob are just not worth it to me.  Anyone ever try to find parking ANYWHERE on Black Friday?  Yea, good luck with that.

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I don't need to remind anybody that these are some difficult times.  Just like many others, all I wanted was a place to call my own.  Not being saavy about the housing market, stocks, bonds and other financial investments, the one thing I knew was that owning a house was better than renting.  And, like most people, I did my research and found a place just before the real estate prices went through the roof.  I mean, I barely got by just under the wire!  The condo I was interested in already had a buyer but the deal fell through and I was the next to bid.  The sellers were so worried that the place wouldn't sell so they accepted my counter-offer.  Yay for me.

My new (to me) home isn't exactly the Taj Mahal, but it's comfortable and suits the needs of me and my family.  Because I'm always looking for a good deal and wanted to pay off the principal in addition to just the intererest, I decided to refinance a couple of years ago.  After some number crunching, a nifty, new job, and some creative checkbook balancing (heh), I was finally able to meet that goal.  I've always had good credit and paid my bills on time.  I set up my mortgage payments, as well as other monthly bills, to be paid electronically through my bank.  I always wanted to cover my bases and make sure nothing fell through the cracks.

Unfortunately, eight months into the nifty, new job, I got laid-off.  This was the beginning of the "economic recession/depression of the 00's" as I like to call it.  What does one do in this situation?  I immediately started the Unemployment Insurance process going, but that wasn't going to take care of my $3K a month mortgage!  Thankfully, I received severance pay along with any vacation time accrued but it wasn't that much since I hadn't been there a whole year yet.  The combination of all the emotions -- the shock, the WTF-ness of it all and the feeling of what-the-hell-do-I-do-now really made it difficult to think of the future.

Going into full "job-hunting" mode, I treated my search as a full time job.  Minus the paycheck.  As much as unemployment (benefits) helped, it wasn't enough and it wasn't going to last forever.  I needed a plan.  After using the severence funds, I turned to my savings account to maintain my mortgage payments.  I guess at first I was a bit optimistic about finding a job sooner rather than later.  Unfortunately, I ended up digging into my savings for about 5 months, and when things looked bleak on the job-hunting front, I needed a backup plan.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I could have discussed certain "options" earlier with Chase, but I guess I didn't want to alarm them so soon with my predicament.  After all, this is the first time I've been in this situation.  After month 5 of unemployment, I decided I couldn't continue to pay the full mortgage each month so I decided to pay most of it...just not all.  At least I was making an honest, sincere effort and I hoped that they would notice.

Dealing with Chase under the most noblest of circumstances was a challenge in itself.  I first inquired about my "options" in January.  I heard nothing back in the couple or so weeks they said they'd get back to me so I checked back again a month later.  I had to call several times between January and April in order to get any answers.  I should have known this was a bad sign.  It could have been due to the fact that Chase was busy trying to acquire WaMu, because they sure weren't too concerned with my case.  The first time I checked back, I was told that someone was reviewing my account.  The next time I checked back, I was told that my request (for a loan modification) was "rejected" due to the fact that I didn't have adequate income (well, DUH!); the next time I checked I was told that my account was still in review, and the last time I checked I was told I'd be receiving an information-gathering packet in the mail. 

By this time, I finally found another job (though paying a lot less) and felt hopeful about getting things back to normal...with a slight modification, of course.

The paperwork I had to fill out was just as extensive as the refi I had done only months before.  During this forebearance, I was given a set amount to pay for the 3 months this process was going to take.  What killed me is that they required payment in the form of a cashier's check or money order.  I had been making payments through my bank up until this point and everything seemed just fine and NOW they want special payment procedures.  Ugh!  Really Chase?  I'm going to start writing bad checks NOW?  Really?  Whatever...I figured I'd play their game in order to show that I'm sincere in my efforts to resolve this dilemma.  Before each payment was due, I'd make a copy of the letter and send the cashier's check or money order via Fed Ex (so I can track it) to the special address given.  I did this diligently for the 3 months.  At the end of the 3 months, I was to send more paperwork providing tax info, income statements, bank statements, assets, etc., etc., etc.  During this time, I even went to a foreclosure seminar in hopes to avoid such a scenario.  They had representatives from several mortgages companies present and each homeowner had an opportunity to spend some time with these representatives to go over any questions, etc. 

When I met with the Chase representative, I brought a whole portfolio full of all my paperwork from my first contact in January through gathering all the information requested after the forebearance period.  The rep was quite taken aback by the progress I had made and said that all I needed to do was fax the information to the contact in the letter and things should get rolling for me.  She even said that I could bring the completed paperwork to their branch office and they would make sure it was complete and fax it in for me when the time came.  Turns out I didn't need to go far because my local neighborhood WaMu was now a Chase branch.  

As per the instructions, before the 3 months forebearance was up, I faxed all the info they required to Chase Headquarters for their review.  I put my loan number on all the documents and had a representative fax it for me from their office in California to the special Chase office in Ohio as indicated in the letter. I wanted to make sure there was no room for error and that I covered absolutely everything that was required.  The next step was the waiting...

Because I'm the type that needs to budget and plan ahead for my monthly expenses, I really needed to know what my new (if any) payment was going to be.  So, three weeks after I faxed the tons of paperwork, I decided to be proactive and call Chase to follow up.  After all this time and effort, one would think that in bringing up my account number, the whole history of my dealings in the past few months would pop up and speak volumes.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  This is what actually happened on Monday when I called:

8:45 am - Called number on forebearance letter (Mortgage Assistance Dept.), Kristy answered.  After explaning the reason for my call (not to mention providing loan number, SS#, phone # and promise of first born), she determined that I needed to call the Loan Modification Dept. and proceeded to give me that number as well as transfer my call.

Loan Modification Dept. - Spoke to Amanda.  Again, after giving my name, rank and serial number, she determined I needed to speak to the Forebearance Program Dept. and proceeded to give me the number and transfer me.

Forebearance Program - Spoke with Mark.  Again, after providing my loan #, SS#, phone # and explaining the nature of my call, Mark decided that what I needed was to speak with the Home Owners' Assistance Dept.  He gave me the number and transfered me.

Home Owners' Assistance Dept - Spoke to Lafayette.  By this time, I had my loan # memorized, provided the SS#, phone #, etc. and gave my spiel.  And you know, much to my non-surprise, Lafayette suggested I talk to someone in Loss Mitigation.

Loss Mitigation - Spoke with Nina.  At this point, I tried my best to not show my complete and utter frustration.  I deserve an Oscar award for maintaining my composure.  Of course, Nina wasn't able to help me.  But guess who could?

Yup, the first number I called -- the Mortgage Assistance Dept.  I can't remember who I spoke with but they couldn't help me either and said to call back at the end of the month.  So much for follow-through.

When I arrived home, what do I get in the mail is a letter from Chase suggesting that they could assist me in a loan modification.  WTF?!  Don't these people/departments/computers ever share information or talk to each other!?  How long have I been in this process now?!  Unbelievable.

But wait, there's more.

I also received a notice that a certified letter was waiting for me.  I called the post office and asked them to deliver it again and someone would sign for it (on the dotted line...twice).  I was hoping this was the letter I was waiting for (discussing my new loan plan), and that the earlier letter was some sort of fluky oversight.

The letter finally came today.  The subject?  A warning that my loan is delinquent and that I need to take action in order to prevent foreclosure. 

There are just no words to describe how infuriating this has been.  The saga continues as I get on the phone first thing in the morning and yell at a few people as well as pay a visit to their branch office to continue yelling at some more people who maybe didn't hear it the first time.

As soon as I am able, I will be taking my business elsewhere.

Buyer beware. 

UPDATE: 10-19-09

I decided to add this update to the current blog so that I can keep my documentation all together in case the occasion arises when I have to forward/print this for legal reasons.  Oh yes, it's coming to that.

So, after receiving the certified letter reminding me that my loan was delinquent (nevermind the fact that I had been working with the bank on rectifying the whole situation), I called their special-toll-free number to yell at someone.  Turns out they "automatically" send those out to everyone and anyone who falls under the delinquency period regardless of any active steps they may have taken to work on the situation.  Well, great.  This from a corporation with big bucks, and more big bucks from our President in order to help folks like me, but they can't get their $#*% together enough to program their computer to know who is working on a modification and who isn't.  The person I spoke with advised me to just "ignore" it since it obviously didn't apply to me.  Well, if their high-tech automated system is going to "automatically" send me these harrassing notices every month, does that mean that after a certain period of time, especially if I don't respond, they will also "automatically" send Marshalls to my house where I'll discover a huge padlock on my door? 

UPDATE: 11-23-09

Because I wanted this whole ordeal to be over with, I called Chase again to find out the status of my request.  Mind you, my original forbearnce plan was from April - July.  I called in late July to let them know the paperwork to review my situation was on its way and I needed to know what to do about August's payment.  I was told to go ahead and continue to pay the forbearance amount until I heard back from them.  Good enough.  However, because I didn't want to find out that I've "fallen through the cracks" or get in trouble for not following up, I (like an idiot, in retrospect) followed up at the end of October.  In doing the math, I'd been on the forbearance plan for six months at this point with no word from Chase.  And in bein proactive, I opened up a whole can of worms.

First of all, the moron I spoke to was more of a "collections" guy instead of a "modifications" guy.  Due to the previous games of phone tag I'd gone through, I made sure to ask if the person on the other end if he/she was with the correct department.  This guy said he was.  I think he lied.  I explained to him that I'd been working with a forbearance plan for six months and that I was just following up as to the status of my modification request.  He asked me a few questions to see what kind of program I was qualified for.  And then he went into "collections" mode.  Immediately, he told me that I wasn't qualified because I wasn't making enough money (no DUH) and that I needed to cut back on expenses.  I don't know what kind of expenses he was talking about other than food, utilities and HOA expenses but he seemed to think that I was living too high on the hog for my situation.  I didn't need cable?  Really?  My cable company and internet provider are within the same group.  No one can watch TV without a cable these days, and I don't even have good cable, I have basic.  I can also argue that I need internet access for work.  He was just going on and on and I didn't want to deal with him at this point.  He was going to send me yet more paperwork to fill out and return.  Deja vu.

Dealing with this clown bothered me so much, I decided to call my local Chase office (which is what I should have done in the first place, I know) to talk to a real, live human being.  During the foreclosure seminar I attended, I met with a Chase representative who gave me her card so I called her number.  Unfortunately, she was out on vacation but I spoke with another representative, Jim, who walked me through the (umpteenth) application process.

After getting all the necessary information, copies of the necessary information and files of the necessary information, I sent in the paperwork.  Not two weeks later, I received a letter from Chase asking me to fill out their form (I've lost count at this point) and send it back.  I called Jim and showed him the letter.  He said to go ahead and fill that out as well.  I already had all the info in triplicate, so it was easy.

I sent it in, fingers & toes crossed, hoping that all my efforts, all the diligence I've shown, would somehow clearly illustrate that I'm earnest at making this work.  I received the latest correspondence from Chase dated November 11, 2009.  My request for a modification has been declined due to the fact that "Borrower does not meet eligibility requirements."  I was stumped. 

I sent Jim a message telling him of the latest news, and still had not heard back.  I guess my next recourse is seeking legal help.  It it my wish that someone would audit Chase and find out what exactly their parameters are in qualifying someone for a modification.  Do I need to make less money?  Do I need to give up all my utilities, get kerosene lamps and get used to cold showers?  Should I start sending my son to a soup kitchen?  The whole thing is ridiculous and I'd really like to know what it would take in their eyes.  I wonder if this is what President Obama had in mind.
 

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Anyone ever have someone in their life that you know isn't good for you yet you found it hard to let go?  Then, finally there was that straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak and you finally got rid of them and then life once again makes sense, the planets are aligned with Aquarius...and Mercury...and the total eclipse of the heart is just a mere bad memory?  Well, this was my drama for the year (because I refuse to have anymore, dangit!).  Fortunately, there was not a whole lot to it since I actually hadn't seen the person-in-question since last year (albeit in December), yet the drama continued.  Why, do you ask?  Well, the only explanation is that I allowed it to.  I was one of those poor souls who thought if gave this particular person the benefit of the doubt, he'd live up to it....right?  Wrong.  And yes, I knew better bla bla bla...but still. 

Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way, and as old as I am, I'm suprisingly still learning such things.  I sensed that things were less-than-kosher since the beginning but my denial was already in full force.  I wish I could explain why I just didn't see the light and act upon it sooner, but I can't.  It's just one of those things.

However, the distance and the lack of communication were all to my benefit, in retrospect. How can you miss what you never had?  How can you feel bad for what was never good?  At one point when communications started up again, there was a fleeting moment of backsliding...I almost let myself believe that things could get better...that the recent happenings were just a setback.  Thank God plans to see him again didn't pan out, because the extra time allowed me to come to my senses.  Even the anticipation of seeing him again brought back all the "old" feelings....unfortunately, not all were good.  All the anxiety and worry that isn't supposed to occur in any healthy relationship was back in full-force.  This was not good.  What was I thinking?!  How would it be "bad" to cut my losses?

A no-brainer in retrospect, it was a difficult decision just a few months ago because there was always that nagging thought that maybe I was overreacting or reading things wrong.  No doubt about it, there's a lot to be said for one's intuition.  Your gut does not lie to you.  Always trust it.

The postponed hook-up was revisited recently but instead of being the accommodating welcome mat that I had been, I decided that it wasn't worth it to me anymore to let this person manipulate me into thinking everything was fine.  It was far from it.  When someone makes you sick to the point that you lose a lot of weight, consider doing things that you know make you uncomfortable, and experience feelings just short of a serious anxiety-attack...that person is not worth your time nor effort.  Just a little word to the wise.

Of course these megalomaniacs do not see any wrong in their own behavior.  The person-in-question had NO idea why I had a change of heart...just completely flabbergasted him.  He honestly believes that the world revolves around him and that people (apparently this has happened to others) should abide by his wishes and do things at his convenience.  Funny how things don't actually work that way.  I could have been more harsh, but I figure it probably wouldn't do much good to try and "put him in his place" so to speak. 

I imagine he'll keep going on his merry way and piss off enough people so that someday, he'll realize he got exactly what he deserved.  Unfortunately for some other poor soul out there, that day may not come soon enough.

Scandal - Good Bye To You

Scandal

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You have four unexpected guests showing up for dinner in less than an hour, you haven't been to the store in days, and you want to impress them with a delicious meal. What do you serve them?

A bunch of Double-Doubles from In-N-Out which is just a stone's throw away from my house!

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Eyeball! 

Hey, this looks like the series premiere of Lost as the aforementioned eyeball belongs to none other than Jack.  And, Jack is lying in the middle of the jungle just as he was when the plane first crashed.  This time, however, he’s clutching a torn piece of paper that says “I wish…”  So do I, paper, so do I.  Admittedly, I didn’t see the series premiere when it first aired BUT I do have all the DVDs so I’ve more than made up for it, but for a moment, I seriously thought they were going to recycle this scene from that first episode.  Talk about cutting corners.  But, this wasn’t the case as while Jack was checking out his surroundings, he hears someone calling for help.  That someone is Hurley.  And, he’s in the lake using his guitar case as a floatation device.  [Insert own joke here.]  As Jack takes a high dive off a cliff and “saves” Hurley in what turned out to be knee-deep water (heh), they see a passed-out Khate on a rock.  Because I know how much this show hates me, Khate was not dead, much, much to my chagrin.  In fact, she didn’t have a scratch on her.  Wow, Craphole Island really does heal all wounds.

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, the gang prepares to meet Mrs. Hawking.  As they gather in the parking lot, Benry, Jack and Sun are surprised to see Desmond walk from behind the shadows to join them.  Hey, is this where the reunion is?  Cool.  Oddly, they’re all there to see Ellie and all her weirdness.  Ah, we see where Daniel gets it from.  After lighting a few candles in her church/lecture hall/lab, she takes the troops downstairs into an unknown abyss…or what’s just a glorified basement.  With a Foucault’s Pendulum swinging in the middle of the room.  Every brilliant, mad scientist’s wet dream, right?  Sun, Jack and Desmond exchange strange glances as Eloise introduces the room/station/floor/scene as The Lamp Post.  Eloise continues to explain how they need to get back to the island and bring as much of the 06 with them as possible.  Desmond, however, won’t hear of it.  He thinks she’s crazy and asserts that he’s done with the island as far as he’s concerned.  Meanwhile, I’m on the edge of my seat for fear that my pretty, pretty Desmond is going to get clocked by the giant swinging pendulum he somehow manages to avoid!  Whew.

Back in the sanctuary, Ben again manages to avoid getting struck by lightning and looks like he’s actually praying.  And lighting candles!  Jealous that Jack has become teacher Eloise’s pet and kept him after class to explain the contents of a binder she handed him, Benry tries to drive the point home that he needs to get the 06 back to the island to help the others.  Well, not necessarily the Others others, but the others others.  Although the Others others might also be in danger considering we hadn’t seen flight attendant Cindy & the kids in eons.  Ah, who knows!

In a really weird, out-of-context scene, Jack gets called to a retirement home to retrieve some mysterious person and prevent him from running away.  After calling this said person by his first name (Ray), he suddenly switches to calling him by his real name, “Gramps/Grandpappy/Grampy” or whatever the Shephard men call their paternal grandfather when not addressing him by his first name.  Conveniently, the Senior Shephard has a pair of shoes that once belonged to Christian.  Verrrrry interesting.  And how convenient that it’s exactly what Jack needed to fulfill his “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue” to include in Locke’s casket prior to the funeral.  Except he needed something of Christian’s. 

Jack goes home and proceeds to look for the booze.  Hell, I’d have stopped off at the Quik-E-Mart and picked up a few just to be sure.  Anyway, he sensed something creepy and weird in his house and conveniently finds Khate all weird and glassy-eyed sprawled out on his bed. Where’s Aaron?  Who cares?!  And if he asks her about that again, Khate is never evah gonna speak to him again.  Think about it, Jack!  But no.  Boom chick-a-bow-bow.  Excuse me while I barf.

The next morning, a beaten and bloodied Benry calls Jack and asks him to do a favor and get John out of the deep freeze and bring him to the airport.  Because Jack is such a great friend and good sport, he obliges.  Khate, on the other hand, can’t wait to get out of his house and pretend she doesn’t know him.  That’s gratitude for ya.  Stupid Khate.  Even more stupider Jack.

And, in some frustratingly inexplicable plot twist, Sun, Khate, Hurley (huh?), Sayid (+ personal marshall), Benry and Jack all happen to be at the airport, boarding the same flight, going to the same destination, all for the same reason.  But because this show continues to frustrate, we don’t know why/how they all got there, especially Hurley (just be glad he’s there) and Sayid….except I think somehow the marshall attached to his wrist has something to do with it.  But do we get an explanation?  Hell no, that would be too logical and actually make sense.  And that’s not what this show is all about.  Geez! 

Also on board is some mysterious guy who people are speculating is a plant of Widmore’s or some other ne’er-do-well, a beaten Benry who finds time to casually read Ulysses, and our very own cleanly shaved and scrubbed Frank Lapidus! as the pilot.  Of course, Jack demands a meeting with the pilot and once Frank gets a glimpse of his passengers, he cleverly surmised that they weren’t really going to go to Guam, were they?  Heh, I missed Frank and glad he’s back.  Also, Jack finally reads the goodbye letter Locke had written him.  Oh Jack, why must you be such a big drama queen?

Turbulence.  Flash.  Boom – eyeball.  And, we’re back to the opening scene.  Ah, now it makes sense.  That wasn’t the first time the Losties crashed…it was the second.  Oy!  And the partial note Jack was clutching was John’s letter saying he wished Jack had believed him.  Poor Locke, of all the things to have Jack do.  You should have known better.  For some other inexplicable reason (GRRR!!), we don’t see any of the other passengers…not right now, anyway.  Jack, Khate and Hurley look up to the sound of a roaring engine.  No, it’s not Smokey.  It’s a brand, spanking new Dharma slug bug van!  In it is a worker in a brown Dharma uniform toting a rifle.  As it is carefully aimed at the ReLosties, their faces turn to surprise…the gun toter is none other than our very own Jin.  And Jin is rockin’ that ‘70’s perm Mike and Greg Brady did back in the day.  Coinky dink?  I think not.  Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait until next time to find out what happens next.  Same bat-time.  Same bat-channel.

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Last week on the Sopranos, Sun was threatening to introduce Benry to her “little friend” for killing her husband back on Craphole Island.  Benry, being the smooth-talker that he is convinces Sun that Jin is in fact alive and he can prove it.  She says he’d better or be rudely introduced to the bullet in her gun.  Ben takes Sun and Jack on a road trip to somewhere they need to go in order for Ben to prove that Jin’s alive.  Alrighty then.

Meanwhile, back on Craphole Island, a very much alive Jin and early (pre-death) Rousseau & team are hiking through the jungle looking for the radio tower.  Suddenly, Jin hears an ominous sound he hadn’t heard in at least a few weeks, or whenever the last time Smokey made a guest appearance.  Sure enough, the rest of the Frenchies hear it too and look to Jin for some answers.  Interesting to know what words one learns in a new environment.  Jin sure knew the word “monster” in English!  And, it’s a good thing the French crew also knew what it meant, because not only is Smoky up and about, he already took out his aggressions on poor Nadine-with-the-cantine and was out for more blood.  Taking a cue from Jin, the crew starts running through the forest.  At one point, Montand (you know, there’s always this guy in any given group) gets belligerent and turns to Smokey.  Bad idea as Smokey proceeds to grab him and pull him down his black hole lair.  Not, however, without the team gallantly trying to save him via human chain.  Unfortunately, Smokey wins and one-armed Montand is down the hole casually asking his group to save him because he’s “hurt” – which, by the way, I vote for understatement of the year.

On another part of Craphole, Sawyer, et al are trekking through the woods and the nosebleed of death befalls Charlotte again.  As she slips in and out of consciousness, she mumbles stuff about her past and how some creepy guy told her not to go back to the island.  That creepy guy?  The one who, just last episode, professed his undying love and devotion to her.  Daniel.  Oh Daniel, you’re turning out to be just as timeless, though not as pretty, as Richard.  Focused on getting to the Orchid, Locke pushes to get the group going but since Daniel doesn’t want to leave Charlotte behind, he says with her until she croaks.  Yea.  Too bad.  In a last redeeming move, Charlotte did tell the gang that if they have difficulty locating the Orchid, to look for a well.  Interrrrrresting.

As the Losties approach the location of the Orchid, a flash appears and they get transported to a time apparently before the Orchid was built.  Aw, bummer.  However, the infamous well was there and Locke was going to make his descent.  In a decent gesture, Juliet thanks Locke for his sacrifice.  I still don’t trust Juliette, but I don’t hate her as much as I did when she was first introduced.  Unfortunately as John was descending via rope, another flash appears and, viola, the well disappears and Sawyer is tugging on one end of a thoroughly buried rope.  Sorry, Sawyer, John cannot hear you yelling and screaming for him (I can offer you comfort, however).  But I digress.

During the last flash, John falls to the bottom of the well and proceeds to break a bone in his shin.  Ouch!  Thanks for the visual, guys.  We really didn’t need to see it as Terry O’Quinn is such a great actor, I would have believed it if he just said, “ow, I broke my leg.”  Of course, who would he be telling since he’s alone…or is he?  Lurking in the shadows is a figure we didn’t expect to see – Christian Shephard.  Dun dun DUN!  Before John departs via the Frozen Donkey Wheel, Christian tells him a couple of interesting things.  First, that Mrs. Hawking is the key to getting people back on the island and second, to give his regards to his son. Before John could ask any questions, he’s outta there.

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As much as I love this show, this episode seemed to have dragged until the end.  There has been some discussion over what is meant by "The Little Prince"  --- is it referring to Turniphead Aaron, a parallel between the character in the book and the island or something else?  The world may never know.  But the theories abound and are all quite interesting.

Much like last week, we get a terrific reveal (or two!) at the end and unlike some viewers, I like to remain unspoiled so that the reveals are that much more exciting.  As if I needed more excitement as far as this show is concerned.  I jumped around like a loon for 30 minutes after this episode aired!  But I digress.

Unfortunately, we get a lot of story with Jack and Khate.  This is why it probably seemed to drag on for me.  We pick up on the Khate and Sun visit where Khate decides to leave Turniphead with Sun while she goes snooping around the attorney who served her with papers to see who his client is.  Because Khate is so "bad ass" and such a "rebel" she does not do things by the book.  Except, she's highly lame so she comes off just looking like the big stoopid doofus that she is.  She got nowhere trying to get anything out of the attorney by batting her false eyelashes at him so she decided to follow him to his next appointment hoping it's "the client."  Since she has nothing better to do with her day, she trails him to a hotel where lo-and-behold, he visits none other than Claire's mother.  Aha!  She must be the nefarious client who wants to "steal" Aaron back from her by claiming she's a blood relative.  Silly woman, don'tcha know that Khate kidnapped Aaron fair and square so finders keepers?!  Someone desperately needs to put Khate out of her (and mine) misery.  I'll happily volunteer.

In the meantime, Sayid is attacked again at a hospital by some thug with Khate's address so conveniently in his pocket.  While everyone smells a set up, Jack being Jack falls for it and has to desperately help Khate from these awful, evil goons who carry around her address.  Jack goes spying with Khate because he's her lap dog and will do anything she says.  Even try to talk Claire's mother out of legally claiming Aaron.  Oooookay.  Except, she's not there for that, she's there to collect on some insurance money.  Just a coinkydink that she happens to be in town at the same time the DNA test was requested and has the same exact attorney as the person requesting the DNA test. Who woulda thunk? 

Meanwhile back on Craphole Island, Charlotte's nose is still bleeding from the last episode.  I hope she dies.  There, I said it.  She's been useless since she arrived and has done nothing but bitchface herself all over each scene.  If the island needs her, I say she should be sacrificed.  But, methinks that it'll be revealed sometime in the near future that she and Daniel or Widmore or Benry or Penny or Ellie or Vincent or someone will be related at some point in time.  Boooooring.  Soon, Myles starts getting a nosebleed and so does Juliet.  Pretty soon all the cool kids will have one!  Aww!  Daniel has all the answers, but heaven forbid he actually reveals one.  Instead, Locke thinks that the Zodiac will be the answer to all their time-travel problems.  Oy, the time travel thing.  Just thinking about it gives ME a nosebleed!

They find their way to the beach but don't see their old buds -- Bernard, Rose, Vincent...all are MIA. Boo!  They'd better be safe or the show will officially suck.  They don't find the Zodiac but they do find some canoe-type boats and decide to use one.  I haven't rowed a canoe since I was twelve at Disneyland but I remember it taking a lot of energy and I was exhausted by the end of the 5 minute paddle to the other side of the "island" (which, in reality was about 50 yards away back then).  So, where the malnourished Losties got the energy to paddle that thing, I'll never know.  Anyway, as they are booking it, suddenly it starts raining...and to make things more complex, someone starts shooting at them.  It's the other boat with unidentified individuals with guns aimed at their heads!  Good times!  Fortunately for the Losties, a flash of light saves them and they end up in another place and time.

They wash up on the shore and come across what looks like the cargo from another boatload of people.  Locke turns over a box with some foreign writing on it (some reference to The Little Prince!) and it's in French!  Hey!  Next shot is a raftload of people coming across a semi-conscious person floating on what looks like a piece of driftwood.  The folks on the rubber raft speak French...!  They pick up the person on the driftwood and turn him over -- IT'S JIN!!!  Yes!  Jin is alive like I kinew he (should) would be!  YESSSSSSS!  They all get back to shore and the young French speaking woman also speaks English and introduces herself as Danielle Rousseau!  YES, WE GET A DANIELLE FLASHBACK!!!!  Poor Jin, he's thinking, damn, I just learned English and now I have to learn freakin' French?! 

In the meantime, the only working lawyer on Lost gives Benry a file saying that Hugo has been exonerated of all possible charges (and can therefore join the merry band of returnies to the island).  Oh yea, and Benry is behind the whole DNA test thing with Aaron.  Just to mess with Khate's head.  Heh!  Why do Benry's confessions come off more creepy than his lies?  Next week, Sun opens up a box of candy, I mean whoopass on Benry.  Sounds like fun.  But, then he tells her he knows Jin is alive and can prove it.  Damn, word sure travels fast from the island of Losties.  Oh yea, but only if you're Benry.

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No, it's not a throwback to the Archie's but with this show...I wouldn't be surprised if Veronica and Archie showed up at some point.  As with the last, this season has not disappointed so far.  Tonight's episode opens with a new addition to Desmond & Penny's houseboat, and I don't mean a patio.  Little Charlie (hee!) is now offspring #3 of the Losties group that have left the island.  As we know.  For now.  It's cute how he's named after the late, great Charlie Pace (or so we think).  He did, after all, save Desmond and let him reunite with Penny.  However, Charles is also the name of Penny's infamous father.  Who, we assume, doesn't know that little Charlie exists.  Probably for the better.

Meanwhile, back on craphole island, the remaining Losties are running around, trying to make sense where they are in time and who the thugs are that keep harrassing them.  I thought that in the previous episode Locke had killed their captors but instead just overtook them.  Turns out they speak Latin as a form of Other code.  Coincidentally, Juliet speaks Latin too.  Just something she picked up while spending time as an Other in Otherton.  Guess it's like riding a bicycle. 

In another part of the island, Myles, Daniel and Charlotte were captured by more thugs (and a thugette).  Apparently there's a bomb on the island that's causing some concern and only Daniel knows how to disarm it.  Lucky for all.  However, he has to try to convince the new, old Others that he knows what he's doing and since the new old Others are highly skeptical, he needed to prove that his intentions were good because wouldn't want to bring harm to Charlotte, to whom he professed his undying love & devotion (BLETCH!).  So, with that thugette Ellie takes Daniel to the bomb tower of doom and introduces him to Jughead where Daniel notices that the bomb is leaking and they need to bury it so it doesn't go off and blow everyone to smithereens.  Or somesuch catastrophe.  Thugette Ellie doesn't buy it and does not back off.  And she looks familiar to Daniel.  Hmm... 

As Lock, Sawyer and Juliette march the thugs back to their hideout, Locke decides to pull rank and demands to speak to Richard.  This is when we find out Richard & Co. are living in 1953 (or was it '55?).  At any rate, as far as Richard is concerned, he's never met Locke so he's intrigued as to his talk of knowing him "in the future."  And by the way, the little punk-ass thug is none other than a young Widmore -- Charles Widmore!  Heee!!

Bent on finding Mrs. Faraday, Desmond goes to Oxford but does not find her.  That would've been too easy.  Instead, he gets put off by the registrar's office saying there's no such person or persons by the name of Faraday who worked there.  Unthwarted, he decided to go snooping through the halls and finds a locked room and goes inside.  Lo and behold, it's the classroom Daniel was doing his calculations in.  He then proceeds to get busted by the janitor who actually didn't seem to concerned about him snooping around.  This is where it gets foggy for me because I went downstairs to get some hot cocoa during a commercial and it came back on before I returned, but Desmond goes to a hospital and sees a woman lying in a bed.  From what the boards say, she too was suffering from the nosebleed of death, or something similar.  I didn't catch who she was but I'm sure I'll know soon enough.

Unsuccessful at finding Mrs. Faraday at Oxford, Desmond goes straight to the source -- Widmore himself.  I was afraid for him when he showed up in Widdy's office.  I thought Widdy was going to use his evil Darth Sidious force to strangle him upon appearing, but he was rather civil and told Des that he could find Mrs. Faraday in L.A.  Now, from his reputation, I wouldn't trust him to give me the correct time.  But, Desmond seemed convinced - grateful even - about the information and went on his merry little way. 

Back on the houseboat, Des decided to lie to Penny about finding Mrs. F.  Penny, however, has weird Spidey powers that sense when he's lying because she totally called him on it and he ended up confessing.  Crazy kids.  I wonder how long it's going to take them to sail to L.A.  I guess there's no hurry.  Oh wait...

And for the record, it's okay with me if Charlotte dies (even though they're only teasing me with the possibility).  I mean, she's the most useless character thus far.  Myles brings on the snark and can sense/see/talk to/feel/read dead people and even Juliet had something to do this episode.  Of course, Daniel is the brains of the whole time travel.  Charlotte is disposable.  She and her perma-bitchface and get off my screen now.

So, I think thugette Ellie is going to be future Mrs. Hawking.  We already know snot-nosed thug twerp is Widdy.  I think Widdy is also Daniel's father so he and Penny would be half (?) siblings.  We don't know who Penny's mother is so it could also theoretically be Mrs. Hawking.  I'm glad this show has an ending because at this rate, especially with all the kidlets and the time jumping, it could possibly go on forever!

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The folks over at Lost were trying to be cute with their 2-hour season premiere by giving each hour their own "titles."  Truth is, I almost turned it off after the first hour!  Good thing I didn't because we'd all hear the scream heard around the world.  (Which I know is totally unnecessary because I could always catch it on their website, but still...)

I love this show and everything, but nothing like a good mind-effing, time jumping, 4-year detailed series of stories backstories and subplots to really make me feel like a wee, little pea-brain.  I can't even remember what I had for dinner last night, much more who the hell Mrs. (Ms?) Hawking is!  Yes, I consider myself a fan, but I consider my brain rather rusty when it comes to these sort of things.  I can't even remember the names of all my first cousins without paper, pencil and a chart.  But Lost....oh Lost, you had me at eyeball.

Season 5 opens with seeing what happens to the Losties after Benry moved the island at the end of last season.  If we thought that was an amazing feat, boy, they really let loose all the crazy during this episode.  We see a flashback of Marvin Candle/Mr. Chang (or whatever) prepping to film yet another one of his Dharma orientation vidos.  It appears he's some sort of mad scientist who is in charge of all the excavating by what looked like the Donkey Wheel.  I dunno.  I was already lost.  Heh!  After handling some emergency at the excavation, we see none other than Daniel dressed as a crewman!  Huh?  Apparently he either time-jumped or is related to Richard-the-eyeline-guy who never ages. 

The O6 are back at their respective homes, minding their own business, living the lie, until Jack makes it his mission to right what Locke says went wrong, which was the O6 leaving the island.  So, with Benry's help (hee -- they're roomies!), he tries to round up the O6 so they can get back to the island and save the Losties-still-on-the-island.  However, that's not as easy as it sounds.  Sayid talked Hurley into leaving the asylum and run to a safe house with him.  Turns out, however, that the house wasn't so safe because they were ambushed upon arrival wherein Sayid, although killing the bad guys with his badass ways among them via dishwasher, managed to get stuck in the neck with some sort of paralyzing dart.  Poor Hugo had to carry an unconscious Sayid and hightail it out of that area lest they get nabbed by the cops.  Then they really couldn't get back to the island!

As Hugo drives erratically through the streets of LA (as does everyone else), he sees flashing lights behind him and decides to pull over.  With a passed-out Sayid in the passenger seat.  After being wanted for murder at the (not so) safe house.  This did not bode well until the approaching police officer turned out to be none other than the reanimated corpse of Ana Lucia.  Ok, she wasn't exactly a zombie, but she wasn't actually there, either.  This was all an illusion courtesy of Hugo's special I-see-and-talk-to-dead-people powers.  And it's a good thing too, because AnaL gave him some pretty good advice about how to avoid the cops and to go somewhere safe to hide.  And, oh yea, "Libby says Hi."  Heee!

Hugo being Hugo went to the only safe place he knew and that was home where he was greeted by Cheech! - I mean, his dad.  His dad being a dad, of course offers to help Hurley in any way he can even if it meant lying to the cops who, not surprisingly, shortly appeared at his doorstep.  Poor Sayid was still passed out but lying comfortably on the Reyes' livingroom couch.

Meanwhile back on the island, we see Bernard! and Rose! and Sawyer! and Frogurt?  Ok, here's where I had a brain fart and couldn't remember what Frogurt's deal was.  I knew he was in the early episodes and met his demise as a red shirt but I didn't remember anything else about him.  At first I thought he was Dr. Arzt and we might see him get blown up again.  Yay alzheimers.

Anyway, poor Bernard is being henpecked by Rose (boo to to the writers for this!) and is also being hassled by Frogurt for not being able to start a fire in an effective and timely manner.  Well, I don't exactly see a bunch of other people (Rose and Frogurt, I'm looking at you) giving it the old college try either, so stuff it lazy asses!  And, for whatever reason, Sawyer was bent on getting a shirt.  Why?  I don't know.  The funny thing was, no one wanted to give him one!  In retrospect, he should have been more concerned about acquiring footwear instead.

We also see that Juliet, Myles, Daniel and Charlotte are safe.  yay.  So far Charlotte and Juliet have proved to be just excess baggage while Myles went out and got a boar for dinner (maybe his special-powers-of-also-talking-to-the-dead people told him where to get it?) and Daniel is the brains behind all the timewarp jumping.  And, I'd like to add just for the record I am absolutely CONFUSED as to the whole time jumping thing.  My tiny brain cannot compute its complexity.  I just can't do it.  And I'm not even going to try.  All I know is that after Benry turned that donkey wheel and made the island move, the island kept jumping in time during this episode.  Drove me absolutely batty.

Daniel, however knows how it works and is doing all he can to try to "fix" things, especially when Charlotte starts to get the nosebleed of death that fell Minkowski.  After whiney Frogurt gets on everyone's last nerve, he immediately gets speared with a flaming arrow.  Talk about irony.  Unfortunately, all the beachies become targets of hundreds of flying flaming arrows.  Where they came from, nobody knows.  All the beachies run into the woods headed for the creek.  I guess flaming arrows can't hurt you in the woods...oh wait.  But, for some reason, they cease.

Meanwhile, a bright light overcomes the islanders and WHOOSH time travel.  Locke was with Richard one minute and after the flashing light, he's by himself.  Except for the sniper in the woods.  Hey look, it's Tom Cruise's cousin, Ethan, also back from the dead.  Except this was before he was killed.  Because this was a time jump to the past.  Huh?  Right.  Just as Ethan was about to kill Locke, another flash of light and WHOOSH, we're in another time.  And Richard happens to be here this time.  Richard tries to explain to Lock about what's going on but since I didn't quite get it I'm not even going to assume what he was saying.  It made sense to Locke, though, and gave him a compass while reminding him what it does ("It points North.").  Heee!  Oh Richard, I'd love to borrow your makeup someday! 

Meanwhile, Daniel is now bent on finding something (someone) to help out his little friend and he sees Desmond!  A hazmat suit wearing, rifle-toting Desmond!  Hee!  He tells a skeptical Desmond that his help is needed, bla bla bla and to go to Oxford University in the future and talk to his mom.  Of course we don't hear anymore detail because we see another flash and the scene jumps to present-day Desmond waking from a deep sleep bent on going to Oxford because he "remembered" something.  Oy!

The remaining O6, Sun, Khate and Turniphead are discussing current issues.  (Well, not Turniphead so much as he's crashed on the couch.)  Khate's on the run from the sheriff (AGAIN) because she was bullied into thinking that they can just come and take a DNA sample from her and Turniphead to prove that they are not related.  She'd rather be a fugitive than to be called a liar.  Sun and Widmore have some Godfather/mafia thing going on while Widmore is channelling Rodney Dangerfield with his cries for respect.  Sun's got something up her sleeve and I hope part of it involves bitchslapping Khate just because it would be well-deserved.

Odd couple Jack and Benry are fixing to leave for their trip.  Felix tells Oscar to pack everything he cares about in his little bag because he'll never be back again (or something like that) and he's leaving for six hours but will be back later to pick him up.  Benry needed to put the body of Jeremy Bentham aka John Locke on ice and took him to the butcher shop.  Naturally.  His contact at the butcher shop, Jill, is probably someone I should remember from years past, but I don't.  She does know, however, exactly what he needs.  Hmmm.

Back at the Reyes', Hugo's mom finds Sayid on her livingroom couch and asks why there's a dead Pakistni in her livingroom.  Probably one of the funniest lines of the night!  Hugo, tired of all the lying finally comes clean to his momma and tells her everything.  Of course it sounds crazy.  Try telling this story to anyone and even the most sanest of people are going to sound looney tunes.  However, his mother believes him.  Aww.  Because, dammit, it's all true!  Hurley does the right thing and lets his dad take Sayid to a doctor.....Dr. Jack, of course! 

Sayid never ceases to amaze me with his badassedness.  Upon being revived by Jack from an unconscious state, he immediately comes to and begins to throttle Jack within an inch of his life!  Oh, if only he succeeded.  But alas, Jack had to tell him who he was bla bla bla and Sayid let him go.  Close to having the O6 together, Benry goes to the Reyes' to fetch Hugo.  Hugo, however, doesn't want to play along anymore and proved his seriousness by throwing a freshly-nuked Hotpocket at Benry!  Getting slammed by one of those things could be lethal!  Benry was lucky to have escape unscathed.  Hugo, however, was not so lucky to escape the cops, as he actually ran out to them so as to not get sucked in by Benry and his plans.

Back on the island, a now-shirted (boo!) Sawyer and Juliette are running through the woods when Sawyer steps on something sharp.  See, this is why footwear would have been a better choice!  As they pause to examine the injury, they hear footsteps and are soon accosted by some thugs who demand to know what they're doing on their island. Because of all the time-travelling, I have no clue as to who these people could be, but they were seriously hard-core as they were about to chop off one of Juliette's hands.  Just as one of them was about to, Locke comes to the rescue and mows down all the bad guys.  Yay Locke.  Too bad you had to die in the present.  Or did you....? 

Back at some other place that looks like a classroom upstairs and a church downstairs (?!), a woman is scribbling some mathmatical formula on a chalkboard and then goes downstairs to the church where we see Benry lighting some candles.  Why he wasn't also struck by lightning is a mystery to all of us.  The woman turns out to be Mrs. Hawking (from the Desmond flashback) who may or may not be Daniel's mother (which is my theory because she does math!), who may or may not be the brains behind all of Benry's shenanigans.  She gives Benry a timeframe of 70 hours to get something done.  Presumably get the O6 back on the island, but again...it could be anything.  And what does this mean anyway?  Why 70 hours?  Why do they all need to go back?  Benry is concerned because Hurley's out and that could be problematic. I wanna know what about Walt and Michael?  Ok, Tall Walt and the reanimated corpse of Michael?  Don't they count?  Why does this show generate more questions with each and every episode? Why? Why? Why?!  

By the way, if they don't do whatever in 70 hours....God help us all.  And He'll probably start with a lightning bolt to Benry's head. 

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...Like Donkey Kong!  Woot! 

Yum

I'm such a nerd when it comes to this show, it's almost embarrassing.  Almost.  Ok, not such a great fan when I couldn't remember if the premiere was on tonight or tomorrow since it had been on Thursdays previously.  Also, not my fault their stupid hiatus is almost a year long.  I did hear a rumor, though, that they're going to cut that out and just do their seasons like normal boys and girls do and take the usual amount of time off in between seasons, at the usual breaks (summer, winter) until the series' end in about 3 more years.  It's about time, people!  Get with it! 

I've invested too much time, emotion and energy into this show to have really "forgotten" about it, but their monkey scheduling doesn't exactly make it easy to keep up with.  Fortunately, I got on their website and saw a couple of previews and --WOOT-- got back into it!  When we last left the show what seems like eons ago, the Losties got themselves separated.  Some got back to civilization, some were blown up on a ship (perhaps?), some were left on the island that "moved" and we were to believe that at least one (Locke) or possibly two (Jin) had died.  Knowing this show, some of these statements may not exactly be true.

The preview showed that we had to look forward to Jack still being manipulated by Benry.  And, oddly enough, I still find that rat-bastard mad genius Benry oddly intriguing.  We also get a glimpse of Khate on the run yet again.  This time with Turniphead in tow.  Did she really think people were going to buy that he's her kid?  I guess so.  But not for long because she's wanted for DNA testing and she ain't gonna have any of it so she's taking the kid on the run.  Nice.  She's not exactly the brightest bulb but her antics make for good storytelling, I s'pose.

What I want to know is what's going on back at the movable island.  This show, and only this show is going to allow me to suspend my disbelief about this impossibility.  Only because it has a great cast and (most of the time) some good writing.  The downside is that this show is my crack, and for the next few days I'm going to be obsessing about it.

That is, until next week...

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