Lost Tawk: Because You Left (1st hour) & The Lie (2nd hour)

The folks over at Lost were trying to be cute with their 2-hour season premiere by giving each hour their own "titles."  Truth is, I almost turned it off after the first hour!  Good thing I didn't because we'd all hear the scream heard around the world.  (Which I know is totally unnecessary because I could always catch it on their website, but still...)

I love this show and everything, but nothing like a good mind-effing, time jumping, 4-year detailed series of stories backstories and subplots to really make me feel like a wee, little pea-brain.  I can't even remember what I had for dinner last night, much more who the hell Mrs. (Ms?) Hawking is!  Yes, I consider myself a fan, but I consider my brain rather rusty when it comes to these sort of things.  I can't even remember the names of all my first cousins without paper, pencil and a chart.  But Lost....oh Lost, you had me at eyeball.

Season 5 opens with seeing what happens to the Losties after Benry moved the island at the end of last season.  If we thought that was an amazing feat, boy, they really let loose all the crazy during this episode.  We see a flashback of Marvin Candle/Mr. Chang (or whatever) prepping to film yet another one of his Dharma orientation vidos.  It appears he's some sort of mad scientist who is in charge of all the excavating by what looked like the Donkey Wheel.  I dunno.  I was already lost.  Heh!  After handling some emergency at the excavation, we see none other than Daniel dressed as a crewman!  Huh?  Apparently he either time-jumped or is related to Richard-the-eyeline-guy who never ages. 

The O6 are back at their respective homes, minding their own business, living the lie, until Jack makes it his mission to right what Locke says went wrong, which was the O6 leaving the island.  So, with Benry's help (hee -- they're roomies!), he tries to round up the O6 so they can get back to the island and save the Losties-still-on-the-island.  However, that's not as easy as it sounds.  Sayid talked Hurley into leaving the asylum and run to a safe house with him.  Turns out, however, that the house wasn't so safe because they were ambushed upon arrival wherein Sayid, although killing the bad guys with his badass ways among them via dishwasher, managed to get stuck in the neck with some sort of paralyzing dart.  Poor Hugo had to carry an unconscious Sayid and hightail it out of that area lest they get nabbed by the cops.  Then they really couldn't get back to the island!

As Hugo drives erratically through the streets of LA (as does everyone else), he sees flashing lights behind him and decides to pull over.  With a passed-out Sayid in the passenger seat.  After being wanted for murder at the (not so) safe house.  This did not bode well until the approaching police officer turned out to be none other than the reanimated corpse of Ana Lucia.  Ok, she wasn't exactly a zombie, but she wasn't actually there, either.  This was all an illusion courtesy of Hugo's special I-see-and-talk-to-dead-people powers.  And it's a good thing too, because AnaL gave him some pretty good advice about how to avoid the cops and to go somewhere safe to hide.  And, oh yea, "Libby says Hi."  Heee!

Hugo being Hugo went to the only safe place he knew and that was home where he was greeted by Cheech! - I mean, his dad.  His dad being a dad, of course offers to help Hurley in any way he can even if it meant lying to the cops who, not surprisingly, shortly appeared at his doorstep.  Poor Sayid was still passed out but lying comfortably on the Reyes' livingroom couch.

Meanwhile back on the island, we see Bernard! and Rose! and Sawyer! and Frogurt?  Ok, here's where I had a brain fart and couldn't remember what Frogurt's deal was.  I knew he was in the early episodes and met his demise as a red shirt but I didn't remember anything else about him.  At first I thought he was Dr. Arzt and we might see him get blown up again.  Yay alzheimers.

Anyway, poor Bernard is being henpecked by Rose (boo to to the writers for this!) and is also being hassled by Frogurt for not being able to start a fire in an effective and timely manner.  Well, I don't exactly see a bunch of other people (Rose and Frogurt, I'm looking at you) giving it the old college try either, so stuff it lazy asses!  And, for whatever reason, Sawyer was bent on getting a shirt.  Why?  I don't know.  The funny thing was, no one wanted to give him one!  In retrospect, he should have been more concerned about acquiring footwear instead.

We also see that Juliet, Myles, Daniel and Charlotte are safe.  yay.  So far Charlotte and Juliet have proved to be just excess baggage while Myles went out and got a boar for dinner (maybe his special-powers-of-also-talking-to-the-dead people told him where to get it?) and Daniel is the brains behind all the timewarp jumping.  And, I'd like to add just for the record I am absolutely CONFUSED as to the whole time jumping thing.  My tiny brain cannot compute its complexity.  I just can't do it.  And I'm not even going to try.  All I know is that after Benry turned that donkey wheel and made the island move, the island kept jumping in time during this episode.  Drove me absolutely batty.

Daniel, however knows how it works and is doing all he can to try to "fix" things, especially when Charlotte starts to get the nosebleed of death that fell Minkowski.  After whiney Frogurt gets on everyone's last nerve, he immediately gets speared with a flaming arrow.  Talk about irony.  Unfortunately, all the beachies become targets of hundreds of flying flaming arrows.  Where they came from, nobody knows.  All the beachies run into the woods headed for the creek.  I guess flaming arrows can't hurt you in the woods...oh wait.  But, for some reason, they cease.

Meanwhile, a bright light overcomes the islanders and WHOOSH time travel.  Locke was with Richard one minute and after the flashing light, he's by himself.  Except for the sniper in the woods.  Hey look, it's Tom Cruise's cousin, Ethan, also back from the dead.  Except this was before he was killed.  Because this was a time jump to the past.  Huh?  Right.  Just as Ethan was about to kill Locke, another flash of light and WHOOSH, we're in another time.  And Richard happens to be here this time.  Richard tries to explain to Lock about what's going on but since I didn't quite get it I'm not even going to assume what he was saying.  It made sense to Locke, though, and gave him a compass while reminding him what it does ("It points North.").  Heee!  Oh Richard, I'd love to borrow your makeup someday! 

Meanwhile, Daniel is now bent on finding something (someone) to help out his little friend and he sees Desmond!  A hazmat suit wearing, rifle-toting Desmond!  Hee!  He tells a skeptical Desmond that his help is needed, bla bla bla and to go to Oxford University in the future and talk to his mom.  Of course we don't hear anymore detail because we see another flash and the scene jumps to present-day Desmond waking from a deep sleep bent on going to Oxford because he "remembered" something.  Oy!

The remaining O6, Sun, Khate and Turniphead are discussing current issues.  (Well, not Turniphead so much as he's crashed on the couch.)  Khate's on the run from the sheriff (AGAIN) because she was bullied into thinking that they can just come and take a DNA sample from her and Turniphead to prove that they are not related.  She'd rather be a fugitive than to be called a liar.  Sun and Widmore have some Godfather/mafia thing going on while Widmore is channelling Rodney Dangerfield with his cries for respect.  Sun's got something up her sleeve and I hope part of it involves bitchslapping Khate just because it would be well-deserved.

Odd couple Jack and Benry are fixing to leave for their trip.  Felix tells Oscar to pack everything he cares about in his little bag because he'll never be back again (or something like that) and he's leaving for six hours but will be back later to pick him up.  Benry needed to put the body of Jeremy Bentham aka John Locke on ice and took him to the butcher shop.  Naturally.  His contact at the butcher shop, Jill, is probably someone I should remember from years past, but I don't.  She does know, however, exactly what he needs.  Hmmm.

Back at the Reyes', Hugo's mom finds Sayid on her livingroom couch and asks why there's a dead Pakistni in her livingroom.  Probably one of the funniest lines of the night!  Hugo, tired of all the lying finally comes clean to his momma and tells her everything.  Of course it sounds crazy.  Try telling this story to anyone and even the most sanest of people are going to sound looney tunes.  However, his mother believes him.  Aww.  Because, dammit, it's all true!  Hurley does the right thing and lets his dad take Sayid to a doctor.....Dr. Jack, of course! 

Sayid never ceases to amaze me with his badassedness.  Upon being revived by Jack from an unconscious state, he immediately comes to and begins to throttle Jack within an inch of his life!  Oh, if only he succeeded.  But alas, Jack had to tell him who he was bla bla bla and Sayid let him go.  Close to having the O6 together, Benry goes to the Reyes' to fetch Hugo.  Hugo, however, doesn't want to play along anymore and proved his seriousness by throwing a freshly-nuked Hotpocket at Benry!  Getting slammed by one of those things could be lethal!  Benry was lucky to have escape unscathed.  Hugo, however, was not so lucky to escape the cops, as he actually ran out to them so as to not get sucked in by Benry and his plans.

Back on the island, a now-shirted (boo!) Sawyer and Juliette are running through the woods when Sawyer steps on something sharp.  See, this is why footwear would have been a better choice!  As they pause to examine the injury, they hear footsteps and are soon accosted by some thugs who demand to know what they're doing on their island. Because of all the time-travelling, I have no clue as to who these people could be, but they were seriously hard-core as they were about to chop off one of Juliette's hands.  Just as one of them was about to, Locke comes to the rescue and mows down all the bad guys.  Yay Locke.  Too bad you had to die in the present.  Or did you....? 

Back at some other place that looks like a classroom upstairs and a church downstairs (?!), a woman is scribbling some mathmatical formula on a chalkboard and then goes downstairs to the church where we see Benry lighting some candles.  Why he wasn't also struck by lightning is a mystery to all of us.  The woman turns out to be Mrs. Hawking (from the Desmond flashback) who may or may not be Daniel's mother (which is my theory because she does math!), who may or may not be the brains behind all of Benry's shenanigans.  She gives Benry a timeframe of 70 hours to get something done.  Presumably get the O6 back on the island, but again...it could be anything.  And what does this mean anyway?  Why 70 hours?  Why do they all need to go back?  Benry is concerned because Hurley's out and that could be problematic. I wanna know what about Walt and Michael?  Ok, Tall Walt and the reanimated corpse of Michael?  Don't they count?  Why does this show generate more questions with each and every episode? Why? Why? Why?!  

By the way, if they don't do whatever in 70 hours....God help us all.  And He'll probably start with a lightning bolt to Benry's head.